Bullying in churches.
If you have been in a church from childhood, you may not be aware of any Christian code of conduct.
But if you start going to a church as an adult, you may see some head shaking or raised eyebrows, or even worse little groups mumbling away to each other with glances in your direction.
This is bullying in churches and we will look at this subject.
And before you say, “That’s just the traditional churches where you are likely to be shushed!” let us think of those times when someone was feeling really down and they are told in the church service to lift those hands and dance and stop disobeying the Lord!
Did Jesus launch into dance and exubulent praise in the Garden of Gethsemane?
It is not always appropriate for someone to zoom into that, just so they fit in with everyone else.
The Lord needs reality and truthfulness.
Do we include or exclude people who come into the church?
Table of Contents:
1. Conform or expect a bumpy ride! (That is bullying in churches).
With an article entitled ‘Christian Code of Conduct’ you probably think; ‘Oh no, here comes a list of rules for life.’
But I’m not talking about that, I want us to think about how our Christian group or church has an unwritten code of conduct, that everyone joining the group has to follow to conform.
You probably think that sounds weird and that’s not our group!
But a congregation takes on its own unwritten unique code of behaviour and appearance.
To feel ‘accepted’ you need to follow this unwritten code.
If you don’t you will probably get bullied and in the end, leave the church possibly broken by the whole experience.
The less noticeable side of this is where a number of the congregation shun and ignore anyone who they feel doesn’t fit in.
It may seem trivial, but is extremely damaging and must be stopped.
Unfortunately, this can happen a lot as is not readily spotted or is seen as being acceptable.
On the most noticeable side is a deliberate, constant, attack on someone which is easier to spot and is defined as bullying in churches.
Here is a list of the main examples of bullying and harassing behaviour put together by the United Reformed Church. 1
- Removing areas of responsibility without discussion or notice.
- Isolating someone or deliberately ignoring or excluding them from activities.
- Consistently attacking someone’s professional or personal standing.
- Setting out to make someone appear incompetent.
- Persistently picking on someone in front of others.
- Deliberate sabotage of work or actions.
- Deliberately withholding information or providing incorrect information.
- Overloading with work or reducing deadlines without paying attention to any protests.
- Displays of offensive material.
- Use of e-mails to reprimand, insult or otherwise inform someone of their apparent failing, either to the individual or to third parties.
- Cyberbullying including on social media such as Facebook.
- Repeatedly shouting or swearing in public or in private.
- Spreading malicious rumours to third parties.
- Public humiliation by constant innuendo, belittling and ‘putting down’.
- Personal insults and name-calling.
- Aggressive gestures, verbal threats and intimidation.
- Persistent threats about security.
- Making false accusations.
- Aggressive bodily posture or physical contact.
- Talking or shouting directly into someone’s face.
- Direct physical intimidation, violence or assault.
Bullying and harassment are not necessarily face-to-face. They may also occur over the phone, in written communication including email and texts and through social media.
Bullying and harassment are obvious to those who are aware of such things, but I want to focus on the more subtle, less obvious type of bullying which may include the whole church or a significant part of it.
2. Roy was cold-shouldered at church for not behaving the same.
To give a real-life example, Roy (name changed) was naturally jolly and bouncy, but the congregation was more sedate and ‘spiritual’!
Soon Roy was getting on everybody’s nerves and this was intensified when the church went away for a few days of camping.
The reaction Roy was getting was summed up when he bounced into the room to get his breakfast, wearing a baseball cap back-to-front and chirpily said, “Good morning campers!”
This totally broke the congregation’s code of behaviour!
Almost everyone gave out an inaudible groan and Roy was increasingly cold-shouldered.
Little groups would gossip about his inappropriate behaviour and they would look down on his actions.
It was horrible, but as a young Christian I was not brave enough to challenge people’s actions and I was also scared of being the odd one out.
It didn’t take long before Roy left that congregation feeling very hurt.
I met up with him because I felt so ashamed of the group’s actions and I tried to explain how I felt.
He was obviously very upset and didn’t want to see anyone from the church so seeing me wasn’t helping, but I think he did appreciate one person seeing his side of the story.
I have not seen him around since then and I hope that he has had some sort of healing from that ordeal.
What was Roy’s crime for being side-lined?
He hadn’t done anything wrong – he just hadn’t ‘conformed’ to the congregation’s unwritten code of behaviour.
Paul tells us to:
Accept one another then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.”
Romans 15:7 NIV
The word ‘accept’ here means ‘to take to oneself’.
Do we, or our congregations, uphold these often petty codes – at the expense of pushing people away?
Do we ‘take to ourselves’ the newcomers who dress differently or who behave in a different way from what we expect?
3. The devastating effect of being ostracised by a church.
To show how important and damaging being snubbed by a group or church is, Stephen Parsons has made a summary of a study carried out by Kipling Williams:
Ostracism, according to Williams’ model, has as its intention the undermining of four fundamental human needs.
‘Ostracism and Church – further reflections’ by Stephen Parsons. 2
Each of these needs contributes significantly to human flourishing.
Because they are actually things everyone requires to function successfully as human beings, the attempt to destroy them can create massive unhappiness.
This unhappiness can be so great that a person under this kind of attack might be tempted to surrender to despair or even suicide.
Williams’ four needs that are attacked by ostracism are a) belonging b) self esteem c) control and d) meaningful existence.”
These four areas of ostracism do obviously blur and overlap each other, but hopefully, it will help us to recognise when these things happen.
a) Churchgoers can be ostracised by removing the feeling of belonging.
When things get bumpy in the church, that you thought was your family, and people start to cold-shoulder you and look away when they see you coming – this is extremely damaging.
The ‘family’ is pushing you out and you don’t belong there anymore.
You may not know why it started to go wrong, but at first, you noticed a coldness coming from the people.
The shameful thing is that it may all boil down to you not wearing what the congregation feels is ‘appropriate clothing’.
That could mean that you wear a baseball hat, or a T-shirt, or a short skirt, or that you haven’t got a jacket and tie.
Or, it might be that you are too extravert, or your character just doesn’t fit in.
Stephen Parsons makes this observation:
…the most important, the ostracised person will feel rootless and ignored if all his/her belonging is taken away.
‘Ostracism and Church – further reflections’ by Stephen Parsons.
Of course, we might think, such a person will immediately attempt to establish contact with other groups and find new ways of belonging.
But the irony of this is that the group doing the ostracising had typically taught the individual that he/she was to cut off all contact with family and friends who do not belong to the group…”
Hopefully, his conclusion is very extreme and is more in keeping with a cult, but it is not beyond the realms of possibility for ‘normal’ churches.
b) Churchgoers can be ostracised by hitting their self-esteem.
It may be surprising how quickly a person is damaged by being rejected by just simple looks and actions.
You suddenly become nobody’s friend and no one wants to spend time with you, so your self-esteem plummets.
Or perhaps, you never get picked to help in the services like doing Bible readings, prayers, children’s talk, etc. and you wonder why – perhaps you just aren’t good enough.
The silent treatment will have the effect of undermining an individual’s confidence and encourage him/her to think of themselves as being permanently in the wrong.
‘Ostracism and Church – further reflections’ by Stephen Parsons.
Over a period the inner sense of self-value will plummet and the individual will lose all his/her confidence and morale.”
c) Churchgoers can be ostracised by control.
The loss of control will happen, once again, because a silence, which is never-ending, will leave one with a sense that the barriers that exist with the ostracising group cannot be negotiated with or overcome.”
‘Ostracism and Church – further reflections’ by Stephen Parsons.
As a young Christian, I was in an authoritarian church and they wouldn’t allow two people to go on a date.
You may be able to guess the consequences of such ‘laws’!
It was crazy, but the whole church embraced it and reinforced it.
One couple ignored the law and the whole church became a wall against them.
There were constant mumblings about them, they were cold-shouldered and they didn’t continue seeing each other for very long.
The only way to counter that law was to ‘rebel’ and carry on, but receive the criticisms and cold-shouldering which would probably end with them leaving the church altogether.
The alternative was to go straight into engagement and marriage without knowing what the person was like.
David Brown has these thoughts on church leadership:
What kind of leadership is adopted is key, a topic not notably addressed.
‘Church Culture and the Roots of Bullying’ by David Brown. 3
The concept of ‘leadership’ can too easily be interpreted as one in which one person directs another—the idea of a reciprocal relationship in which each party can learn from the other being totally absent.
Any ‘Leadership training’ not based on gospel values will be counterproductive, if it prompts striving for results by control-techniques, and managerialism.
‘Leadership skills’ have great value if they nourish the led and foster godly relationships, a proper father-son/parent-child relationship where space is allowed in which to develop a healthy degree of individuality…”
Christian leadership is too often seen as the one in authority telling the one ‘below’ them what to do or what to change.
The church leadership in the Bible is plural and has different gifts and insights.
It should not be one person above another.
Remember what Jesus said to the mother of the sons of Zebedee who wanted her two sons to sit, one on Jesus’ right-hand side and the other on his left in his kingdom.
She wanted them to have a rank and authority, but Jesus said:
You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them.
Matthew 20:25-28 ESV
It shall not be so among you.
But whoever would be great among you must be your servant and whoever would be first among you must be your slave even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
I’ve heard an authoritarian leader quote part of these verses in jest so as to disarm those ‘below’ him.
d) Churchgoers can be ostracised by removing any meaningful existence.
If the church isolates you, then friendships can cease making you feel alone, and you also discover that you no longer have any role within the church.
It all becomes meaningless and void of anything good.
The individual will be left in deep sense of uncertainty, living in a kind of profound enveloping mist.
‘Ostracism and Church – further reflections’ by Stephen Parsons.
Finally the deliberate isolating of the former member by the group will be effectively a kind of social death.”
Everyone needs to wake up and if any of this is seen then don’t shrug your shoulders.
It is very important to help and intervene in these situations.
4. The grey areas of ostracising a person from the church.
I was a churchwarden in an Anglican church for a number of years and a married couple started coming to church.
He had a connection with a church in his past and his wife had no experience of church and was not Christened (that is to be baptised as a baby in an Anglican church, see baptism meaning.)
They appeared to be listening to the sermons and they were both taking communion.
The other churchwarden was not happy about them sharing communion, but I was more relaxed about it as I believed that by staying they would come to faith and they weren’t being put into any leadership position.
Besides many people at Christmas, and at other times, received communion without being Christened and, or, not having any believing faith.
I chatted to them so that they knew the situation and they were happy to continue coming to church and to take communion and further explore faith together.
Unfortunately, this situation was taken to the Rural Dean who said that they couldn’t take communion, so they left the church.
What would you have done, where do you stand on such things?
We don’t want to put a ‘stamp of approval’ on anyone who isn’t a Christian, but we don’t want to turn people away when they are seeking God.
5. The Lord’s Christian code of conduct.
So on the face of it, a church or group having an unwritten code of conduct is a good thing, but it depends on what that code specifies.
Don’t let a group put you into some sort of straight jacket and don’t let a group mould you into something you don’t want to be.
The apostle Paul wrote:
May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had, so that with one mind and one voice you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Romans 15:5-7 NIV
Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.”
Is your group, or church, trying to make you dress in a certain way, speak in a particular way, and do things that are acceptable to the group, so you have ‘the same attitude of mind toward each other’?
I am not talking about aggressive behaviour, lying, etc.
Paul had a similar problem in the church in Rome, where individuals were judging others on ‘disputable matters’:
Accept the one whose faith is weak, without quarrelling over disputable matters.
Romans 14:1-6 NIV
One person’s faith allows them to eat anything, but another, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables.
The one who eats everything must not treat with contempt the one who does not, and the one who does not eat everything must not judge the one who does, for God has accepted them.
Who are you to judge someone else’s servant?
To their own master, servants stand or fall. And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand.
One person considers one day more sacred than another; another considers every day alike.
Each of them should be fully convinced in their own mind.
Whoever regards one day as special does so to the Lord.
Whoever eats meat does so to the Lord, for they give thanks to God; and whoever abstains does so to the Lord and gives thanks to God.”
And finally, may these words from the Message Bible be your baseline:
So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you:
Romans 12:1-2 from The Message Bible
Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering.
Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him.
Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking.
Instead, fix your attention on God.
You’ll be changed from the inside out.
Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it.
Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.”
Are the right sort of people being chosen to lead the churches?
Have you noticed that some actions are seen as being really terrible, while others you think are unlawful, are seen as being okay?
Is the church still relevant in the 21st Century, is it too old-fashioned, too many gadgets, or not giving out the correct message?
Why would some Christians want to destroy another Christian’s good work?
Some Christians have stopped Gays from staying at their Bed and Breakfasts or hotels, is that okay?
Should a Minister of Religion wear a uniform?
References and credits – open in new tabs:
‘Appendix X Responding to allegations of bullying or harassment’ by the United Reformed Church. ↩
‘Ostracism and Church – further reflections’ by Stephen Parsons. ↩
‘Church Culture and the Roots of Bullying’ by David Brown. Surviving Church. 21 February 2022 ↩